Empty
by Michael J. O'Malley
Summary: AU- In which Kanda pushes Allen too far, and he just can't take it. And the voices in his head aren't helping either. Rated M for suicidal themes. One-shot.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray Man.**

**-DGM—DGM—DGM-**

I was tired. Tired of it all. Tired of the pain and suffering and agony surrounding me every second of my life. Everyone was a reminder of what I'd caused. Every innocent person I passed on the street reminded me of what I would cause if I didn't stop the Earl. Every exorcist I passed in the halls of the Black Order reminded me of the pain I caused because I wasn't strong enough.

I didn't want the pain anymore. I didn't want the voices in my head telling me that it was all my fault, that if only I was stronger I might have been able to save them, that I was useless and unwanted. All of those thoughts and voices faded to a dull buzz when I got with Kanda. He made me feel wanted and needed. But when that day came that he revealed his true feelings about me I knew I wouldn't be able to handle any more.

**-DGM—DGM—DGM-**

"You're just a traitorous Noah! You don't belong here! No one wants you here and no one ever will! Why don't you just disappear already?!" Kanda yelled at me. The cafeteria fell into a hushed silence, staring at the furious man and me. I felt hurt and betrayal cross my face, but quickly covered it up before it could be seen by anyone.

"So you hate me, huh?" I asked, smiling to mask the pain I felt in that moment. This only infuriated Kanda even further.

"Of course I hate you." His voice was cold and cruel. "You're just an unfeeling Noah who doesn't care about the people around you. If you just went away and never came back then we would all be happy for once. Ever since you got here, there's been nothing but pain and loss. It's all your fault that this mess happened. You should just d-" Kanda's hateful speech cut off with a loud smack that resounded through the spacious room.

Lavi stood in front of Kanda, looking pissed beyond belief. "How can you say that to the person who saved all of our lives multiple time-"

This time I cut Lavi off. "Kanda's right. It's all my fault. If only I hadn't been born." The last part was a whisper. Before anyone could say anything or react in any way, I ran out of the cafeteria towards my room.

I ran and ran and ran. When I finally made it to my room, I slammed the door behind me and slid down the door. I covered my mouth with my hand as sobs erupted. Tears slid down my face. I truly loved Kanda. He was all I had left. And there he was telling me he saw nothing but a traitorous Noah in me. That hurt me worse than any wound I'd gotten before.

I don't know how long I cried, but I know that people came by and knocked and tried to get into my room, but I made no move to open the door or give any kind of response to them other than crying harder.

I'd finally stopped crying. Now I just stared blankly at the wall in front of me with dead eyes. I hardly processed the yelling on the other side of my door. From what I actually heard, it was Kanda, Lenalee, and Lavi arguing about how cruel Kanda had been to me.

They were gone soon enough though, the shouting fading down the hallway until it could no longer be heard. I wasn't sure when I drifted off to sleep, but I know that when I woke up it was to a dark and empty room.

I realized that no one had come to get me again. It hurt a little bit to know that they had given up on me, despite how much I ignored them. The voices were back again, coming at me full force. They jeered and laughed and poked at me, telling me that I should just die, and telling me how unwanted I was. I took the hint.

I stood up on shaky legs and walked silently over to my desk. I pulled out a piece of paper, then wrote a letter to Kanda on it. It read:

_Kanda, _

_I love you, despite how much you hate me. I understand that you hate me. I understand that all you think of me is that I'm a traitorous Noah. And perhaps you're right. But I will see this war through to the end. I'll finish the war I started, and then I'll disappear just like you want me to. I probably have by the time you've read this. I'm sorry for any pain I might have a caused you. But now that I'm gone, you don't have to worry about that._

_Now you can live your life without an annoying nuisance like me around. Good-bye, BaKanda._

_Moyashi_

After that night, there was a strange tension in the air, but I always chose to ignore it. The only thing keeping me going was finishing the war against the Noahs. Despite the constant stream of insults that Kanda threw at me through the year and a half left of the war, I kept my mask up.

And finally, after the war was over, I could rest. I laid on my bed, blood staining the white sheets. After all of that, the Earl was finally defeated. I killed him with my own sword. Not without sustaining heavy damage, though. I let them treat the wounds. I just wanted a peaceful death without anyone there, pestering me and bugging me constantly.

So I took it upon myself to make the final cuts on my wrists to end my life then and there, slashing right through the arteries. I forced Crown Clown's overprotective tendencies away, making her see that this was what I wanted. It was what I needed.

After half a dozen cuts were on each arm, I collapsed. Despite how severe my wounds were, I felt no pain. I only felt a sense of warmth and peace. When the light started fading from my eyes, and my body started feeling weaker, I shakily picked the letter to Kanda up off of my desk and handed it to Timcampy, telling him to take it to the samurai.

The golden gollem stayed with me the whole time, until my breath finally ran out, and my consciousness faded to the realm of Death. The last thing I heard was a soft lullaby from Neah, ringing softly and soothingly through my head.

**Good night, my dear nephew, **Neah said to me.

**-DGM—DGM—DGM-**

**So that's my story. I'm thinking about making a continuation of it where there are reincarnations and the ship with be the Poker Pair. Please PM/review and tell me what you think. Thanks! Until next time . . . **

**~O'Malley out!**


	2. Author's Note

**Dear Readers,**

**Here's what I'm going to do with the reincarnation story, since I got the most votes for that out of the people that actually voted. I'm gonna leave this one as a stand-alone story, and continue it as another story. This one will be called ****_'Broken Soul'. _****Please look out for it! Thanks for taking the time to read this! Until next time . . . **

**~O'Malley out!**


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